Grrl Powah and Meltdowns

I do apologize that the blog very quickly spiraled into a dark place. I think I need to do some explaining on my normal state of mind v/s my current state of mind.

Normal:
The Far Side is not dark, normally. I am a person with great belief in my own powers and in the ability of the world around me to be a "good" place. I'm naive to a fault but it doesn't bother me much. I would much rather keep my innermost belief that people are honest, because the rewards that brings me are so much greater than the (frequent) beatings I take for it.

My glass isn't half empty or half full, it's filled all the way up and is tasting delightful, thank you.

I am an energetic, creative, driven person who throughly enjoy life. There have been many ups and downs, but I have made an active choice to focus on the ups, even to the point of feeling that the downs have their value too - if nothing else to highlight how much better the ups are :)

I label myself "highly functional" in the heading of this blog and with that I mean that as the years have gone by I have learned and adapted pretty well to modern society and what is expected of me. I still fail miserably frequently (see the post partly about a hen's night that led to me not being welcome to the wedding) and it takes a lot out of me to attend social functions, but I have learned to apply my brain to process all those little things that normal people seem to do without thinking. I have also learned to see all the positives in being different, both in general and different in an Aspie way. Dan, my love, tells me that it worries him sometimes that I'm always 130% Emma, but I kind of like it that way. Applying 130% to something will yield a better result than applying 100%, will it not? =)

Current:
Lately I've been in an ongoing downward spiral, mainly caused by the fact that the man I love and live with have been in a pretty deep depression for quite some time now. The first half year or so it didn't really affect me that much - I carried both of us as well as I knew how, waiting for him to get better. But as the months have gone on with no improvement in sight, so I have begun to spiral downwards. For some time now I have been stuck in a deep frustration - causing occasional meltdowns - which is based on a strong discrepancy between what I want and what I should. (E.g. Want to live with and love him until the end of my days but Should leave him to break the spiral and save myself). I have seen that I am enabling his depression, and he is enabling my downward spiral. None of these are good things...

These past few days have represented another crisis, the worst one yet and the first one to bring me (emotionally) back to that really bad state that I never want to visit again with full blown anxiety attacks and deep hopelessness. We are slowly coming out of it and I have decided to give it my all - this one last time. I base this on the fact that when we are good we are so very VERY good together, and if I can just ride this bad wave and come out on the other side the rewards will be worth it. If I can't, if WE can't, I'll bite the bullet and leave - but for now the "we" is getting all those 130%.

One major point that made me decide in favor of continuing is that he finally saw and accepted the need for help to get out of the depression and have started seeing someone about it. He's not going to get better on his own and it is painfully clear that I can't help him, so I'm very happy about him seeking help and hopeful that I will soon get to see and talk to the wonderful man I fell in love with again. I really miss him.

In conculsion:
When I post something while feeling upset it sometimes comes out as a stream of consciousness and I realize it doesn't make much sense to anyone but me, but I leave the posts in here anyway to be able to look back at them and think/learn at a later date, and to keep true to my promise to myself to keep this blog as a diary of the ups and downs. It was just unfortunate that it had to start with such a big down, so please bear with me :)