Wow...

He's out of town for a week, I'm healing.

He comes home, I break apart.

What is the lesson to be learned from this? Is there a lesson I WANT to learn, or am I just fooling myself?

God I love him. Am I asking too much? Am I expecting too much? Can we ever get back to a place where we feed each other instead of off of each other?

I just don't know, and it's killing me.

School Years

As I am sure you have already gathered, my childhood was not a ”happy place” for me. School was... hard.

Although my need for social interaction was strong, it failed miserably time and time again. I was a child with very few friends. I was gifted, an over achiever, especially when it came to maths and any of my super focused interests, but in the social interaction that is such an important part of school going I would always recieve an unofficial ”F”. I was teased relentlessly in school, I was a very odd child and other children are quick to pick up that, and come down on it hard. My school years were not a happy time…

I remember being really confused at the time, why I would be picked last for soccer teams or track and field teams when I was so strong & the fastest (girl) runner in the school. To me, ability meant, or should mean everything. But that was not taking social skills into account, of course.

I never could understand why everyone else had friends and I didn’t, but I quickly learned that it was because was just “wrong”. I took the whole blame on myself and built an extremely low self esteem – because no matter how hard I tried to change and make friend, I just couldn’t. Some of the behaviors that needed changing I didn’t even know about and others are so deep rooted parts of me that they CAN’T be changed. These days, I no longer want to change them, but as a child it was hard.

Add on to the Emma Apsie Traits-list

A group of traits that work into conjunction to make a whole "set"

Naivite

I sincerely believe that people, especially people I care about, are truthful to me. If someone tells me something I will take it at face value. Many of my friends and even family take great joy in making me believe the impossible just to prove this point to someone and then laugh at, or with, me. Very funny you guys! :)

Irony
Irony is often lost on me, even though I can truly appreciate ironic humor in the instances when I "get it". Which I mostly don't.But when its pointed out to me, it sure is funny :)

Generosity
Back to basics, if I like you I believe you. as a child this caused many disturbing situations as I would also believe the nice man in the park who said to come with him into the bushes to get candy (stopped in time by my mother thankfully!) or that the homeless person sitting outside the liqueur store  wanted my money to buy food - so he had my whole allowance for that week. Oh, did I not mention, I'm also very generous. With my things when I have them and with my time and effort always. Do I need to mention he went straight into the store and came out with... ummm... not food...

-----

Naive and generous - a bad combination in todays society but one which is appreciated on the Far Side. I can't feel bad about having personality traits that really boils down to "kind", can I - just because that's not a trait that works well in todays world?

Emmas Aspergers Trait List

In my Connecting The Dots post I promised you a list of some of the Emma-facts that have brought me closer and closer to the acceptance that I have Asperger. All of these items have been with me since childhood, and some have eased somewhat with age as I learned to use my intellect to live in a world that is not mine.

So here it is, the Aspie-trait-List (unsorted and growing)
Current, adult traits in this one.

• Eye Contact
  I have extreme difficulties taking and holding eye contact. It’s VERY uncomfortable, always has been. Even with people I love and trust, although it gets somewhat easier with them, for short periods of time. Its like it hurts. Or an very uncomfortable itch you can't scratch. Did you ever do something wrong when knowing it was wrong and you shouldn't do it - and you KNOW someone is watching you do it? That's how it feels.
  
• Special Interests 1
  Only one or maximum two at a time, excluding the older ones that sort of fade into the background but doesn't die - these are the interests that fill my time, my thoughts and my heart to the exclusion of most everything else (see below). Good if work or social related in any way (computers, processes), bad when it means I lock myself into my own mind and can do nothing else for a while. Like, when I started playing MUD.
  
• Special Interests 2
  Whenever I gain a new interest I focus on it to the exclusion of everything and everyone else.
• Special Interests 3
  When I’m in the middle of exercising my interest I forget to eat, and sleep, until I'm done.
• Special Interests 4
  I can talk for hours about my favorite subject and do not notice when the person I’m talking to looses focus/interest. Frequently. Embarrassingly. This is one of the biggest social faux pas. Much of the above is well hidden.
  
• Special Interests 5
  I have extreme difficulties staying focused when listening to things that do not connect to my areas of interest. Eg, I can't even pretend to be interested after a while. Falling asleep has happened...
  
• Difficulty with normal human function
  I need to be reminded to take a shower. Sad, but true. The same goes for brushing my teeth, changing my clothes and any and all that is encompassed in personal hygiene. I also have to be reminded to eat. And drink.
  
• Hyperflexibility
  As a child, I was extremely flexible. I slump when I stand. I lean on things all the time. These days I don't have muscle flexibility any more though, due to lack of physical movement, but my joints still bend.
• Bruises and bumps
  I’m very, VERY clumsy. I walk into things daily. I always have bruises. I knock things over. I stumble over my own feet. I trip on smooth floors. I walk into door frames. I got picked last for all the teams, for a reason.Thankfully, pain doesn't disturb me much (unless it can be used to get attention :)).
  
• NEED for order and rules
  I follow rules and regulations to create order in my life, and create and enhance the rules as I go along. It brings peace to my soul.  When a planned task is interrupted, even for a short while, I get very agitated. Too much of a disturbance for too long can/will lead to a meltdown.
  
• Alone time
  Although outgoing and social, I tire easily and completely from social interaction and need alone time to recuperate. I crave the social interaction, it just tires me to tears. After a weekend at the dogshows (like the one that just went by) I'm clobbered for days. It feels like I've run a marathon, in my head AND in my body. I need time alone from my loved ones too. It's hard to explain, especially to them, but that's just how it is. Better all around if I get it.
  
• Sleep issues
  I have insomnia, the true and nasty kind that even meds only have limited effect on. Also, I have frequent night mares and other dreams, all very vivid and life-like. I'll either oversleep or wake at ungodly hours. All in all, sleep is not a pattern for me at all. Sleep I take when I can get it, pattern or not.
  
• Memory 1
  I cannot remember peoples names, for the life of me. I also cannot remember their birthdays, phone number or, even worse, faces. This is a social handicap extraordinaire! I have learned that people can be somewhat forgiving if you don't recall their name, but less so if you don't recall them whatsoever. What a faux pas!
• Memory 2
  To make up for my appaling short term memory, I have an EXCELLENT long term memory, remembering word perfect, and in images, events and conversations from years back. It's like running a little film in my head and I know I have it right. 
• Speach
  I speak too much and, unless I concentrate, much too loud. This has gotten better with age but was extremely prominent as a child.
• Meltdown
  I have true "meltdowns" when the inner strain is too harsh, these usually manifest as anxiety attacks (leading to the behaviour listed in the items below). I try to remove myself from the situation before this happens, these days.
  
• Stimming/Rocking
  I hold myself and rock to comfort myself in bad situations. I have done this since I was a very small child and it really helps bring the monsters away and my equilibrium back. The worse I feel the lower to the ground I go (in extreme cases I'll end up lying in fetal position on the floor), but always arms around me and rocking. If I stand I may spin slowly also. I can't tell you how surprised I was to hear from my then therapist that this behavior was not "normal" and needed to be corrected. Corrected? But it HELPED!
• Stimming/Hurting
  On a more severe note, if feeling bad enough I will also ram my head into something hard, or at least slap myself (HARD) repeatedly - as the pain on the outside somehow seems to help relieve the pain on the inside. I don't feel a lot of physical pain anyway, so I have to hit hard to get through. It works a bit like biting your cheek when you stub your toe, only on a grander scale. Even I know that can't be healthy :S

Insomnia, again and again and again and aga....

Anoter sleepless night. My mind is so full of thoughts that the very thought of sleep eludes me. 2 sleeping pills later and they might as well have been pieces of candy for all the good they did me - tired wise.

Today I called my general practician and set the stone in motion to actually get a diagnosis. There are many reasons why this makes sense, although most of them come from outside of myself.

I have no doubt at all, not a sliver. I, who am normally full of doubt, but in this I am simply "home". I have Aspergers Syndrome. In a sense, it defines me. Not all of me, but the part of me that was so wrong and weird. Now I don't see it as wrong any more, and only slightly weird. Instead of a thousand things being wrong weith me, theres just one thing that is slightly weird - that causes the rest. Mainly what it is, is different. Disability at times, no question about it, but in most cases it doesn't disable me, it's just a different outlook on life.

One where you don't look people in the eye much =)

Busy (dog)bee

I'm a bit quiet right now as I'm pursuing one of my special interests this weekend, e.g. I'm showing one of my dogs. Insanely tired after spending the entire day in company of people where I need to socialize - but also happy as I've been busy taking "interest-speak" ALL day.

I'll be back after the weekend.

Insomniamania

Aaaah, this is driving me nuts!

The past 2 weeks my sleep patterns have been VERY messed up, more so than usual. I just can't seem to fall asleep at night - there is something stopping me from crossing the border. Deep down inside it's like I don't even want to fall asleep. Very frustrating.

This morning I got out of bed early(-ish) despite not having fallen asleep until the early hours of dawn, and I've been in a near zombie state all day. I've been thinking "At least I'll fall asleep tonight", but here I am at 20 minutes to five, again!

Tomorrow morning/lunch will be nice. I'll be taking a walk with my lovely Annika and the dogs in the freezing cold that is covering Europe at the moment. The dogs love snow, being a Tibetian breed, and I'm sure they'll have a lot of fun. But me, after another night with minimal sleep? Annika will have to drag me around the forest I fear. Thank god for good friends.

Asperger Emotions - Emma Style

My take on emotions differs from the ”normal”, that’s clear. Some believe they Aspegers do not have feelings, but nothing could be further from the truth. Apsies have strong emotions, and very easy access to them too. We have the range, just not the detail. What I have, documented and diagnosed, is what I have come to see visually as a ”pruned tree of emotions”.

Imagine, if you will, a tree. Preferably one that grows wide and lush, like a full grown oak. The tree represents your emotional life, and as the stem branches of into branches and then further into sticks, twigs and even the minute little web inside the leaves, those are the emotions. The thicker the branch, the more basic and ”large” the emotion.

E.g. The thinner the twig, the more specialized and (compared to the branch it originated from) more diluted the emotion, Example: Branch = Hate, Twig 5 levels out = Mild Distaste

At first the newborn child only has a few, very major, branches. Hunger/anger and love/happieness for example. Developing the branches, sticks and twigs comes with normal NT development. This is one of the foundations of Freudian psychoanalysis – that our ability to differentiate emotions develop as we mature. In his theory, many if not all of the psychotic range of ”illnesses” are caused by a traumatic event in early childhood, effectively shutting down the continued development, leaving the person emotionally stunted. In the worst instance there are no disconcernible emotions at all and a complete inability to empathise with others emotions as a result – this is the true psychotic sociopath (think ”Silence of the lambs”).

What I have is partly developed tree, or one which is pruned for winter with all the ”little bits” cut off. I have the stem, I have branches, but I do not have sticks, twigs or those elusive leaves. I feel anger, pain, happieness, love, hate, and other base emotions in their rawest, largest forms. I do NOT feel, or know how to identify at least, the subsets of these emotions (such as mild discomfort or slight contentment). If I’m uncomfortable, I am VERY uncomfortable. If I am content, the warm fuzzy feeling fills my soul.

That there are lighter versions of the emotions I feel, version that appear to be common in the normal world, is something I have had to learn – but I must admit I’m not really sure what they are – it’s a bit like trying to explain ”red” to someone blind from birth. Still, I accept these ”emotions-light” are there, and have tried to figure what they must feel like, and express like, in my attempts to fit into the NT world.

Picture, if you will, an NT person moving from one branch to another – like from joy to sorrow. I imagine they will move out the branch that they are on onto finer and finer twigs until they come to the place where there twigs of the branch ”joy” intertwine with the twigs of the branch ”sorrow”, at a point where the emotion as such is diluted to ”very slightly happy” on the joy branch and ”very sighly sad” on the sorrow branch. Then, if the stimuli for sorrow is strong, they will move inwards onto thicker and thicker twigs until they are firmly on the branch ”sorrow” and feel very sad.

The lack of anything finer than a branch on my tree of emotions means that the transissions between good and bad emotions are very abrupt. I jump brom branch to branch without moving out on one and in on the other. There is no ”sliding scale” as joy turns to comfort turns to less comfort that turns to slight uncomfortability that turns to uncomfort that turns to anger/pain/sorrow. If the situation changes from one which brings me joy to one which brings me sorrow the emotional transission will be near enough immediate. The only transission phase is the one where the pressure rises as the initial emotion is being replaced with the new one in it’s entirety, but my mind remains resistance to the change.

Too many or too sharp transisions will cause a meltdown.

Is this take on emotions an Emma trait or an apsie trait, I wonder?

Insomnia

This subject deserves a rather long post of its origins and connections to Aspergers, but for now all I have to share is deep frustration. As usual when I have too many things to digest, too many things than need sorting out in my brain, sleep eludes me.

It's now almost five am, and despite a double dose of a sleeping pill that sometimes/mostly helps me I'm still awake, alive and kicking. Frustration is beginning to build as I think of the impact this will have on my day tomorrow. It doesn't bother me so much to be awake, but it DOES bother me to know that I will miss so much of my day tomorrow, either through sleeping or through walking as a sleep deprived zombie through the day. Either way, my patterns get messed up, and for an Aspie few things are more disturbing than that.

All you people with dependable day rhythms, all of you who can more often than not fall asleep at night, feel naturally tired, drowsy and drift of - you don't know the blessing that is bestowed on you! Revel in it, enjoy!! Believe me, night on the Far Side is not always a time for rest.

I'll try going to bed now anyway, snuggle up to Dan and maybe a dog (yes, they sleep in the bed). Set my alarm for a decent hour where I will have had rest but not so much to create a screwed sleep pattern. Maybe 10-ish or so. Thank god its the holiday season at least...

Connecting the dots

Growing up, and into adulthood, I was always aware that there were quite a few things about me which was considered odd, different, rude or just very strange behavior. All through the years me and my family have simply accepted each and every one of these traits - although I've never stopped "working on them", but have had a tendency to look at them singularly. Once I, or actually one of my sisters, started looking at all these traits as a group she/we begun to connect the dots and very clear pattern emerged. When I was diagnosed (through friends, family and research, no official diagnose as of yet) the main feeling for me was relief.

Its a question of quantity. Instead of there being 1000 things wrong with me, there was only one. The one was much bigger than the parts of course, but at least I could stop thinking I was simply this crazy person who couldn't function socially if it killed me (which it nearly did on occasion, but thats another story) and had many areas where I either over achieved or under achieved to a nearly extreme level.

I had imaginary friends, two of them and both boys, that mirrored these two aspects of me. They were such big parts of my life from about 3-4 years of age up until adolescence that my mother and some of my sisters can still name them and know which was which. I'll write a separate post on them - imaginary friends.

The dots that need connecting were many, I can't even clearly recall them all as I have effectively blocked quite a few of them out, but I'll start this list and work on it continuously. Each of these issues is an Aspie trait. Some are only "true" Aspie if combined with others, while other traits are red flags on their own. If you have a child that exhibits some or many of these traits, please consider having him evaluated. Early intervention can REALLY improve your child's quality of life during the formative years. I didn't have early intervention, and I truly don't wish my childhood on my worst enemy. Living alone of the Far Side is a place which is rather devoid of positive human emotion.

Grrl Powah and Meltdowns

I do apologize that the blog very quickly spiraled into a dark place. I think I need to do some explaining on my normal state of mind v/s my current state of mind.

Normal:
The Far Side is not dark, normally. I am a person with great belief in my own powers and in the ability of the world around me to be a "good" place. I'm naive to a fault but it doesn't bother me much. I would much rather keep my innermost belief that people are honest, because the rewards that brings me are so much greater than the (frequent) beatings I take for it.

My glass isn't half empty or half full, it's filled all the way up and is tasting delightful, thank you.

I am an energetic, creative, driven person who throughly enjoy life. There have been many ups and downs, but I have made an active choice to focus on the ups, even to the point of feeling that the downs have their value too - if nothing else to highlight how much better the ups are :)

I label myself "highly functional" in the heading of this blog and with that I mean that as the years have gone by I have learned and adapted pretty well to modern society and what is expected of me. I still fail miserably frequently (see the post partly about a hen's night that led to me not being welcome to the wedding) and it takes a lot out of me to attend social functions, but I have learned to apply my brain to process all those little things that normal people seem to do without thinking. I have also learned to see all the positives in being different, both in general and different in an Aspie way. Dan, my love, tells me that it worries him sometimes that I'm always 130% Emma, but I kind of like it that way. Applying 130% to something will yield a better result than applying 100%, will it not? =)

Current:
Lately I've been in an ongoing downward spiral, mainly caused by the fact that the man I love and live with have been in a pretty deep depression for quite some time now. The first half year or so it didn't really affect me that much - I carried both of us as well as I knew how, waiting for him to get better. But as the months have gone on with no improvement in sight, so I have begun to spiral downwards. For some time now I have been stuck in a deep frustration - causing occasional meltdowns - which is based on a strong discrepancy between what I want and what I should. (E.g. Want to live with and love him until the end of my days but Should leave him to break the spiral and save myself). I have seen that I am enabling his depression, and he is enabling my downward spiral. None of these are good things...

These past few days have represented another crisis, the worst one yet and the first one to bring me (emotionally) back to that really bad state that I never want to visit again with full blown anxiety attacks and deep hopelessness. We are slowly coming out of it and I have decided to give it my all - this one last time. I base this on the fact that when we are good we are so very VERY good together, and if I can just ride this bad wave and come out on the other side the rewards will be worth it. If I can't, if WE can't, I'll bite the bullet and leave - but for now the "we" is getting all those 130%.

One major point that made me decide in favor of continuing is that he finally saw and accepted the need for help to get out of the depression and have started seeing someone about it. He's not going to get better on his own and it is painfully clear that I can't help him, so I'm very happy about him seeking help and hopeful that I will soon get to see and talk to the wonderful man I fell in love with again. I really miss him.

In conculsion:
When I post something while feeling upset it sometimes comes out as a stream of consciousness and I realize it doesn't make much sense to anyone but me, but I leave the posts in here anyway to be able to look back at them and think/learn at a later date, and to keep true to my promise to myself to keep this blog as a diary of the ups and downs. It was just unfortunate that it had to start with such a big down, so please bear with me :)

Order, Inside and Out

A calmer day. One of relative peace, at least compared to the last weeks' raging cataclysms.

For the first time since we got back from Portugal, Dan got up before me. And, for the first time, there was action in him. No, I tell a lie. There was some yesterday too. Yesterday was a mostly good day - the level of crisis went from DefCon Red to Orange, and the positive vibes continued today. Today we cleared out the spare room to welcome our new boarder, and started sorting through everything that was removed from the room. Funny how the simple act of cleaning helps to bring me balance - especially when I'm not alone in my efforts.

There is still much to do, but if we can keep this up then maybe, just maybe, the healing has begun.

It's as if order on the outside directly translates to order on the inside. Everything in its' place in the real world mirrors into the Far Side.

Persian Cats - The perfect Aspie companions?

Emma Factoid:

Since I was 17 years old I have always had cats, always Persian cats. Their unusually calm demeanor and unobtrusive ways, coupled with their need for grooming (which is that perfectly simple, repetitive task that brings calm to my mind and peace to my soul) make them the perfect companions for me.

In fact, cats and pretty much everything about them classify squarely into one of my typical asperger "special interests", this one seems to be the life long type.


Not much to know about cats? Well, there's:
Genetics, breeding, the above mentioned grooming (an art in itself in the persian show cat), history, development, health care, and list goes on and on.

They have brought me much solace, my cats. Never fewer than 2 at a time, to ease my bad conscience for leaving them during the day, there is none the less always one with whom the bond grows stronger. My healer. The one who feels my raging pain and soothes it with purring, licking, pawing.

That's another nice thing about cats. Imbalance in a person doesn't scare or repel them, it intrigues and attracts them. Nifty little feature, that :)

Yet another

Yet another night where sleep eludes me.
Yet another evening filled with highs and lows.
Yet another day has passed in this ongoing, crazy place that is The Far Side
Yet another day where my love could not me me there, nor me him in another place, but we want to. Oh how we want to.

2010 my love - is it our year? Or just Your year and mine, living in seperate worlds....

The world of Music

Music touches my soul. It always has, I hope it always will. I have a very strong creative streak, when it comes to music and lyrics. I thought that was a bit wierd, considering that AS minds are usually no good at writing words, but a few days ago my sister came up with a theory.

The way I write lyrics would never work if I was trying for anything longer than a lyric, it takes too much out of me and too much out of the reader - but when the words are no more than a part of the creation that is a song, they're allowed to be overly strong. I guess that makes sense, in a strange kind of way. Maybe it would work in poetry too.

Anyway, music was the topic of the day. It touches me, to the very core. I can also use it to work through really tough times. When the frustration of not being able to put words to the rage of emotions inside becomes too great, sometimes I *am* able to put words to them in a song. the words doesn't always make sense, and at other times are too direct. But in a song that's ok.

This summer I went to a party which went terribly, terribly wrong. The worst part of it was that I didn't even notice it going wrong, I had to be told the next day. I had had a great time, which could unfortunately not be said for many of the other people there. What happened? Well, to use an excerpt from Wikipedia on Aspergers Syndrome:

"Individuals with AS may fail to monitor whether the listener is interested or engaged in the conversation. The speaker's conclusion or point may never be made, and attempts by the listener to elaborate on the speech's content or logic, or to shift to related topics, are often unsuccessful."
Or, in other words, I took over the whole conversation, for hours on end, talking about my special interests and not leaving any room for anyone else. I didn't notice, I just didn't...

Unfortunate. Especially as it was a hen's night and the whole incident led to me not being welcome to the wedding any more. Since the bride and groom were two of my darlings best friends, this caused some upset in the social equilibrium, to put it mildly.

To reconnect to the subject of this post; I wrote about it:

Sometimes things go wrong, even though they feel so right
Sometimes I dont belong, cause when I see black it turns out to be white
Sometimes I feel the pain of hurting those close to me
Its like my soul carries a stain, and though I mean so well I dont know how Im perceived

Sometimes I walk away and hope that no one else can see
Sometimes the words I say come out hurtful unintentionally
Sometimes I'm all alone even when the room is full
It's like everybody else is home and though I'd like to join, I dont know the rules

So how can I tell you Im sorry when Im not sure what I did wrong?
And how can I ask you to love me when I already know that I dont belong?

But this I can tell you and mean it sincerely
That I am sorry, I'm so sorry I hurt you
I know that I messed up, I know that it was me
Although I try so hard, sometimes I fall though
And I'm sorry I hurt you

Sometimes I drop the wall, even though I built it high
Sometimes I take the fall of not fitting in, without knowing why
Sometimes just being me seems to be the thing that's wrong
Its like this way, you see - The harder that I try, the more I dont belong

But this I can tell you and mean it sincerely
That I am sorry, I'm so sorry I hurt you
I know that I messed up, I know that it was me
And though I try so hard, this time I fell though
And I'm sorry I hurt you

But how can I tell you Im sorry when Im not sure what I did wrong?
And how can I ask you to love me when I already know that I dont belong?

But this I can tell you and mean it sincerely
That I am sorry, oh so sorry I hurt you
I know that I messed up, I know that it was me
And though I try so hard, this time I fell though

That I am sorry, oh so sorry I hurt you
I know that I messed up, I know that it was me
And though I try so hard, this time I fell though

But I'm sorry...
I'm so sorry..
I'm sorry I hurt you