Waste

Im a chemical factory, on the inside.

No, strike that, I'm not a factory but a chemical waste-heap - because what is building up was not made by me but is being added through various types of purple pills. Some work, some don't (or don't seem to at least). But, some work AMAZINGLY well, in fact :)

After several months of recouperating I was ready to face the world again, or so I thought. I WAS ready to face the world, just not the huge issues caused by TheOne dirty break-up. I crisis in a crisis, if you will, so today I met the doctor again and had yet another type of pill - but also a warm welcome to the different wellness-programs that are available when your a diagnosed Aspie. I never knew before seeking the diagnosis that there actually so much help out there.

Reports and more in-depth thoughts to follow.

Pause and Diagnosis

It's been a long time since I wrote anything here.

It's been a long time since I was able to do anything, really. Slowly, ever so slowly, I am returning to life - much thanks to my mother who lets me spend my time in complete isolation out on the island where her summer house is. Just me and one dog, a cat and her new kittens. The healing powers of this cannot be over estimated.

I have also gone through the investigation to confirm the diagnosis. Starting this blog made it clear to me that maybe I should actually make it official. So I did. And, to no surprise to me, or anyone who knows me, yepp yepp - I am a school book example of an Aspie.

More on this when I return to the blog, which should be soon enough now when the interest is returning ;)

Wow...

He's out of town for a week, I'm healing.

He comes home, I break apart.

What is the lesson to be learned from this? Is there a lesson I WANT to learn, or am I just fooling myself?

God I love him. Am I asking too much? Am I expecting too much? Can we ever get back to a place where we feed each other instead of off of each other?

I just don't know, and it's killing me.

School Years

As I am sure you have already gathered, my childhood was not a ”happy place” for me. School was... hard.

Although my need for social interaction was strong, it failed miserably time and time again. I was a child with very few friends. I was gifted, an over achiever, especially when it came to maths and any of my super focused interests, but in the social interaction that is such an important part of school going I would always recieve an unofficial ”F”. I was teased relentlessly in school, I was a very odd child and other children are quick to pick up that, and come down on it hard. My school years were not a happy time…

I remember being really confused at the time, why I would be picked last for soccer teams or track and field teams when I was so strong & the fastest (girl) runner in the school. To me, ability meant, or should mean everything. But that was not taking social skills into account, of course.

I never could understand why everyone else had friends and I didn’t, but I quickly learned that it was because was just “wrong”. I took the whole blame on myself and built an extremely low self esteem – because no matter how hard I tried to change and make friend, I just couldn’t. Some of the behaviors that needed changing I didn’t even know about and others are so deep rooted parts of me that they CAN’T be changed. These days, I no longer want to change them, but as a child it was hard.

Add on to the Emma Apsie Traits-list

A group of traits that work into conjunction to make a whole "set"

Naivite

I sincerely believe that people, especially people I care about, are truthful to me. If someone tells me something I will take it at face value. Many of my friends and even family take great joy in making me believe the impossible just to prove this point to someone and then laugh at, or with, me. Very funny you guys! :)

Irony
Irony is often lost on me, even though I can truly appreciate ironic humor in the instances when I "get it". Which I mostly don't.But when its pointed out to me, it sure is funny :)

Generosity
Back to basics, if I like you I believe you. as a child this caused many disturbing situations as I would also believe the nice man in the park who said to come with him into the bushes to get candy (stopped in time by my mother thankfully!) or that the homeless person sitting outside the liqueur store  wanted my money to buy food - so he had my whole allowance for that week. Oh, did I not mention, I'm also very generous. With my things when I have them and with my time and effort always. Do I need to mention he went straight into the store and came out with... ummm... not food...

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Naive and generous - a bad combination in todays society but one which is appreciated on the Far Side. I can't feel bad about having personality traits that really boils down to "kind", can I - just because that's not a trait that works well in todays world?

Emmas Aspergers Trait List

In my Connecting The Dots post I promised you a list of some of the Emma-facts that have brought me closer and closer to the acceptance that I have Asperger. All of these items have been with me since childhood, and some have eased somewhat with age as I learned to use my intellect to live in a world that is not mine.

So here it is, the Aspie-trait-List (unsorted and growing)
Current, adult traits in this one.

• Eye Contact
  I have extreme difficulties taking and holding eye contact. It’s VERY uncomfortable, always has been. Even with people I love and trust, although it gets somewhat easier with them, for short periods of time. Its like it hurts. Or an very uncomfortable itch you can't scratch. Did you ever do something wrong when knowing it was wrong and you shouldn't do it - and you KNOW someone is watching you do it? That's how it feels.
  
• Special Interests 1
  Only one or maximum two at a time, excluding the older ones that sort of fade into the background but doesn't die - these are the interests that fill my time, my thoughts and my heart to the exclusion of most everything else (see below). Good if work or social related in any way (computers, processes), bad when it means I lock myself into my own mind and can do nothing else for a while. Like, when I started playing MUD.
  
• Special Interests 2
  Whenever I gain a new interest I focus on it to the exclusion of everything and everyone else.
• Special Interests 3
  When I’m in the middle of exercising my interest I forget to eat, and sleep, until I'm done.
• Special Interests 4
  I can talk for hours about my favorite subject and do not notice when the person I’m talking to looses focus/interest. Frequently. Embarrassingly. This is one of the biggest social faux pas. Much of the above is well hidden.
  
• Special Interests 5
  I have extreme difficulties staying focused when listening to things that do not connect to my areas of interest. Eg, I can't even pretend to be interested after a while. Falling asleep has happened...
  
• Difficulty with normal human function
  I need to be reminded to take a shower. Sad, but true. The same goes for brushing my teeth, changing my clothes and any and all that is encompassed in personal hygiene. I also have to be reminded to eat. And drink.
  
• Hyperflexibility
  As a child, I was extremely flexible. I slump when I stand. I lean on things all the time. These days I don't have muscle flexibility any more though, due to lack of physical movement, but my joints still bend.
• Bruises and bumps
  I’m very, VERY clumsy. I walk into things daily. I always have bruises. I knock things over. I stumble over my own feet. I trip on smooth floors. I walk into door frames. I got picked last for all the teams, for a reason.Thankfully, pain doesn't disturb me much (unless it can be used to get attention :)).
  
• NEED for order and rules
  I follow rules and regulations to create order in my life, and create and enhance the rules as I go along. It brings peace to my soul.  When a planned task is interrupted, even for a short while, I get very agitated. Too much of a disturbance for too long can/will lead to a meltdown.
  
• Alone time
  Although outgoing and social, I tire easily and completely from social interaction and need alone time to recuperate. I crave the social interaction, it just tires me to tears. After a weekend at the dogshows (like the one that just went by) I'm clobbered for days. It feels like I've run a marathon, in my head AND in my body. I need time alone from my loved ones too. It's hard to explain, especially to them, but that's just how it is. Better all around if I get it.
  
• Sleep issues
  I have insomnia, the true and nasty kind that even meds only have limited effect on. Also, I have frequent night mares and other dreams, all very vivid and life-like. I'll either oversleep or wake at ungodly hours. All in all, sleep is not a pattern for me at all. Sleep I take when I can get it, pattern or not.
  
• Memory 1
  I cannot remember peoples names, for the life of me. I also cannot remember their birthdays, phone number or, even worse, faces. This is a social handicap extraordinaire! I have learned that people can be somewhat forgiving if you don't recall their name, but less so if you don't recall them whatsoever. What a faux pas!
• Memory 2
  To make up for my appaling short term memory, I have an EXCELLENT long term memory, remembering word perfect, and in images, events and conversations from years back. It's like running a little film in my head and I know I have it right. 
• Speach
  I speak too much and, unless I concentrate, much too loud. This has gotten better with age but was extremely prominent as a child.
• Meltdown
  I have true "meltdowns" when the inner strain is too harsh, these usually manifest as anxiety attacks (leading to the behaviour listed in the items below). I try to remove myself from the situation before this happens, these days.
  
• Stimming/Rocking
  I hold myself and rock to comfort myself in bad situations. I have done this since I was a very small child and it really helps bring the monsters away and my equilibrium back. The worse I feel the lower to the ground I go (in extreme cases I'll end up lying in fetal position on the floor), but always arms around me and rocking. If I stand I may spin slowly also. I can't tell you how surprised I was to hear from my then therapist that this behavior was not "normal" and needed to be corrected. Corrected? But it HELPED!
• Stimming/Hurting
  On a more severe note, if feeling bad enough I will also ram my head into something hard, or at least slap myself (HARD) repeatedly - as the pain on the outside somehow seems to help relieve the pain on the inside. I don't feel a lot of physical pain anyway, so I have to hit hard to get through. It works a bit like biting your cheek when you stub your toe, only on a grander scale. Even I know that can't be healthy :S

Insomnia, again and again and again and aga....

Anoter sleepless night. My mind is so full of thoughts that the very thought of sleep eludes me. 2 sleeping pills later and they might as well have been pieces of candy for all the good they did me - tired wise.

Today I called my general practician and set the stone in motion to actually get a diagnosis. There are many reasons why this makes sense, although most of them come from outside of myself.

I have no doubt at all, not a sliver. I, who am normally full of doubt, but in this I am simply "home". I have Aspergers Syndrome. In a sense, it defines me. Not all of me, but the part of me that was so wrong and weird. Now I don't see it as wrong any more, and only slightly weird. Instead of a thousand things being wrong weith me, theres just one thing that is slightly weird - that causes the rest. Mainly what it is, is different. Disability at times, no question about it, but in most cases it doesn't disable me, it's just a different outlook on life.

One where you don't look people in the eye much =)

Busy (dog)bee

I'm a bit quiet right now as I'm pursuing one of my special interests this weekend, e.g. I'm showing one of my dogs. Insanely tired after spending the entire day in company of people where I need to socialize - but also happy as I've been busy taking "interest-speak" ALL day.

I'll be back after the weekend.