The world of Music

Music touches my soul. It always has, I hope it always will. I have a very strong creative streak, when it comes to music and lyrics. I thought that was a bit wierd, considering that AS minds are usually no good at writing words, but a few days ago my sister came up with a theory.

The way I write lyrics would never work if I was trying for anything longer than a lyric, it takes too much out of me and too much out of the reader - but when the words are no more than a part of the creation that is a song, they're allowed to be overly strong. I guess that makes sense, in a strange kind of way. Maybe it would work in poetry too.

Anyway, music was the topic of the day. It touches me, to the very core. I can also use it to work through really tough times. When the frustration of not being able to put words to the rage of emotions inside becomes too great, sometimes I *am* able to put words to them in a song. the words doesn't always make sense, and at other times are too direct. But in a song that's ok.

This summer I went to a party which went terribly, terribly wrong. The worst part of it was that I didn't even notice it going wrong, I had to be told the next day. I had had a great time, which could unfortunately not be said for many of the other people there. What happened? Well, to use an excerpt from Wikipedia on Aspergers Syndrome:

"Individuals with AS may fail to monitor whether the listener is interested or engaged in the conversation. The speaker's conclusion or point may never be made, and attempts by the listener to elaborate on the speech's content or logic, or to shift to related topics, are often unsuccessful."
Or, in other words, I took over the whole conversation, for hours on end, talking about my special interests and not leaving any room for anyone else. I didn't notice, I just didn't...

Unfortunate. Especially as it was a hen's night and the whole incident led to me not being welcome to the wedding any more. Since the bride and groom were two of my darlings best friends, this caused some upset in the social equilibrium, to put it mildly.

To reconnect to the subject of this post; I wrote about it:

Sometimes things go wrong, even though they feel so right
Sometimes I dont belong, cause when I see black it turns out to be white
Sometimes I feel the pain of hurting those close to me
Its like my soul carries a stain, and though I mean so well I dont know how Im perceived

Sometimes I walk away and hope that no one else can see
Sometimes the words I say come out hurtful unintentionally
Sometimes I'm all alone even when the room is full
It's like everybody else is home and though I'd like to join, I dont know the rules

So how can I tell you Im sorry when Im not sure what I did wrong?
And how can I ask you to love me when I already know that I dont belong?

But this I can tell you and mean it sincerely
That I am sorry, I'm so sorry I hurt you
I know that I messed up, I know that it was me
Although I try so hard, sometimes I fall though
And I'm sorry I hurt you

Sometimes I drop the wall, even though I built it high
Sometimes I take the fall of not fitting in, without knowing why
Sometimes just being me seems to be the thing that's wrong
Its like this way, you see - The harder that I try, the more I dont belong

But this I can tell you and mean it sincerely
That I am sorry, I'm so sorry I hurt you
I know that I messed up, I know that it was me
And though I try so hard, this time I fell though
And I'm sorry I hurt you

But how can I tell you Im sorry when Im not sure what I did wrong?
And how can I ask you to love me when I already know that I dont belong?

But this I can tell you and mean it sincerely
That I am sorry, oh so sorry I hurt you
I know that I messed up, I know that it was me
And though I try so hard, this time I fell though

That I am sorry, oh so sorry I hurt you
I know that I messed up, I know that it was me
And though I try so hard, this time I fell though

But I'm sorry...
I'm so sorry..
I'm sorry I hurt you