Life on The Far Side

Learning about Aspberger's it was frightening, and gratifying, to finally get some sense into a world where I had always lived on the Far Side. A place where no other people around me seemed to see, or know existed. As all humans do, an Asperger mind will use its own reality as a a base for understanding others’ realities. To put it simply, you learn what hurts other people by realizing what hurts you, its a normal part of a childs development. But on the far side, what hurts me doesn’t disturb people on the normal side. And what is normal to me can be extremely hurtful. This takes time to learn.

When all you want is to love and be loved, a basic human need shared by all, but all your interfaces with other people to make this happen are misconstructed and misunderstood – it is no wonder the child seeks solitude. Your mind as an AS is alien, when compared to the norm. And an alien mind is a very lonely mind.

To me the solution was the library. I grew up within walking distance from the main library of our fairly large town and I more or less lived there. A book cannot tell you what a misfit you are. If you ask for the company of a book you will recieve it, with the added bonus of further learning about whatever topic is currently on top of your ”need to know all about it”-list. This was an ever changing list, mainly because initially I chose subjects which could be learned completely. Once there was no more information to be absorbed, what was the point? But to this day, what I do not know about mythology (norse, greek/roman, egyptian) is not worth knowing.

All my life I have been (made) aware of all the ways big and small that makes me different. To finally realise that each and every one of these idiosyncracies fit squarely into the AS diagnosis, to finally understand that I AM NOT ALONE ON THE FAR SIDE, that this vast empty space that was and is my basis for reality is populated by other people, was a relief so great it brings tears to my eyes.