Break Down and Move On

Wow...
The past 2 days have been so full of drama that even the newly awoken interest of writing this blog has not been able to penetrate the bone-weariness. Instead I have taken refuge in mind-blowingly simple repetitive tasks. Like: FarmVille on Facebook and sorting out knots in my Lhasa Apso puppies coat (she has just spent a week with my mother and was really a mess... don't even get me started). Such are the shapes of the drugs for the Aspie mind, at least this one.

I guess kick-starting the diary is in order even though I had planned to do some more background first. I wanted the scene to be set so that who I am, what I do, where I come from.. you know, the "picture" of who a person is, is in place before beginning to talk about the abnormalities. But, here we go anyway...

This post is written straight into blogger instead of in a separate document that I edit a few times before publishing - which will probably render it more garbled, or at least harder to read/understand. Except for me, which is the point really, it's my diary after all :)

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So, I love my man, I really do. And he loves me, amazingly enough. Quirks, breakdowns, embarrassing behaviour and all. One thing he doesn't do though is understand, or adjust, to my need for order, or ritual, or whatever you want to call it.

One of the ways this trait is expressed is that I need my days sorted. I plan ahead and know what I am going to do and when I'm going to do it. This prevents surprises and allows me to keep my mind moving forwards, keep my life on track and maintain a semblance of normality in public. If my carefully assembeled schedule breaks down, things get dirty.

Unfortunately, I have chosen to fall in love with, and live with, a time-optimist. Also he is, although very intelligent, an underachiever like you've rarely seen. This means that more often than not, if I hang any part of my daily schedule on his shoulders (meaning - if we are to make it to my mother on time he needs to get out of bed before noon, even though it is not a work-day), it's a recepie for disaster. These past two days have had their bright spots, but also terrible crisis. Screaming, crying, near breaking up.

Yesterday I broke down twice. I haven't done this for months and months, so twice in a day was really scary. I ended up getting to the point where I was slapping myself to get out of it, or deeper into it. at least I was able to cry - so the anxiety got out to a degree. The times when it just builds and build and no tears will come are much worse. But yesterday they came, boy did they come. Once in the bathroom and once in the hallway. The second time things got so bad I was trying to leave before the ice broke, but he wouldn't let me - so into the icy water I went.

We sat on the floor in the end, he was holding me and comforting me. Which would have been a sweeter gesture if he hadn't been the cause of the freak-show in the first place, but was still pretty sweet. Things have been bad for such a long time, I'm trying to find the strength to break out of this relationsship but on the other hand I love him, and he loves me... Aside from him living in the normal worlds and me on the Far side, there isn't all that much wrong with us - unfortunately that's enoguh to make MANY things wrong. What I'm trying to get to is that this is hard, and sometimes destructive, but in the same breath that I'm trying to break out of it I'm wondering if any relationsship could be anything BUT harde and destructive for me, and anyone living with me. The ups are so high, and the lows are so low. Is it worth it?